It took me years and years, well into adulthood to realize that not everyone has a racing mind.

A mind that is always ”on,” never quiet, never still. A mind that even in sleep is always racing and most always headed in the wrong direction.

I thought everyone else lived in a chaotic clutter of thoughts and memories. A mind made loud by voices feeding into insecurities, assuring me that I will never be good enough and that I not worthy of happiness.

It took me years to seek help for my overwhelming fear of abandonment, my lack of impulse control, my dark thoughts. Depression that had me bedridden because despite my racing thoughts, my body was made of lead. Anxiety that had me headed to the door and to the car and to the wide open spaces because I felt that if my physical body could catch up to mind I could heal myself.

Sadly that was not the case.

I was afraid to admit to anyone, much less a stranger what it was like to live in my head. I feared that once there was a diagnosis, a label, I would go from ”quirky” and ”different” to ”crazy for real.”

That to was not the case.

So today I am thankful for the medicinal cocktail that helps still my mind and calm my nerves. I am thankful for the medical professionals who were there to help and reassure me. And to the pharmacy tech who could sense my embarrassment, leaned in close over the counter and whispered “I take some of these as well. It’s going to be alright…”