Today I hit my personal panic point with everything going on.

It was one of those spirals that just kept feeding on itself and getting bigger and bigger. One “What if?” leading to another leading to another until I was so far removed from the source I couldn’t remember exactly what triggered it to begin with.

I kept reminding myself that this situation is a much bigger issue for other people. I kept telling myself that other people are struggling with real consequences of this and that my life, for the moment, has not been majorly impacted. I kept telling myself that I was being unreasonable and selfish, but anxiety does not listen to reason and panic wants all of the attention. And neither care what others are going through. They both know only this unreasonable and all consuming moment, a primal need, fight or flight but there is nothing to fight against and nowhere to flee.

It stems from a lack of control. So I attempt to control the one thing I can…my breathing. I take one breath and then another. I hold it and release it on my terms.

It is a small victory but it is mine.

I sit for a moment and watch the dogs in the yard. I inhale, hold the breath like a fluttering bird, feel it swell and pound inside my chest, feel it fight for release and expand against my heart in the narrow confines of my ribs. I watch the dogs as they notice shade has invaded their spot in the yard. Watch them seek out a patch of sun. Watch them soften and relax in the warmth.

And I exhale.