My mom always loved her birthday.

She loved being the center of attention (not in a bad way) visiting with family and friends, having a special meal out and….lemon cake.

I have been apprehensive about this day. Felt it coming. Wondered how I would react. It is number three since she has been gone and I am still figuring out how to navigate around and through it.

The first birthday after she passed I took the day off of work. Did some shopping (something she and I did a lot of together) saw a therapist and got a butterfly (her spirit animal) tattoo in her memory.

Year two I went to work, powered through and tried to ignore the whole day.

This year I played it by ear.

When I felt like laughing, I laughed. When I felt like crying, I cried.

Together my husband and I reminisced and regaled and said her name out loud. And when it was all too much we were silent and thoughtful.

We connected with family and friends; marked this day of days.

We put up a butterfly feeder in the garden where the swallowtails like to flit in the morning sun.

We raised a glass to her over dinner.

We had dessert on the porch in the cool evening breeze, wished her “Happy Birthday” and remarked on the sweetness and bitterness of lemon cake.