I set off this morning to find a little calm.

I claimed a bench overlooking the sand and watched the endless waves roll in and out.

I felt, more than remembered, the last four years. Felt the weight of them crushing down on me, a heaviness I have grown accustomed to carrying.

It has been a crazy four years, politically, for all of us no matter what side of the divide you are on.

Factor in COVID and general unrest and I think we are all more than a little exhausted.

Four years ago, at the last Presidential election, my life looked very different.

It was in the time I refer to as “before.”

Before my mom got very sick.

Before my stepfather passed away.

Before we spent endless days and countless nights in hospital rooms, sleeping on chairs, alerting to the beeps of machines. Memorizing medication schedules and side effects, doing battle in a war we were never going to win.

Before we had to clear out my parent’s house with no time for nostalgia or reminiscing. Things divided and snatched and thrown away.

A lifetime disassembled as if it never happened.

Before I grew so close to some family members that I could almost read their minds.

Before the falling out with others who I will never see again.

Before my nerves and emotions and mental state became so raw and unsettled and fragile.

Before we decided “a change” might be good.

Before we ventured off across the country in an attempt to settle and breathe and heal.

Before we started over.

I think about these things as I watch the sea.

I nod to the old man sitting at the next bench as I get up to leave.

Something about his eyes, hidden behind dark glasses, but looking right at me, causes me to blurt out the thing I have only just now realized.

“The ocean doesn’t care about us does it? The whole world feels like it is in chaos and falling apart and the ocean doesn’t even notice. It just keeps on doing what it was meant to do, like it did in the time “before” us and as it will do in the time “after.”

The man smiled and I felt his eyes crinkle at the edges.

“That’s why I come here” he confided.
“To get grounded and find clarity.”

And I realize, as I feel the weight of the last four years lift just an ounce, that is why I came here too.